The decision to have and raise a child with someone who is not a romantic partner is still an unconventional choice. For an increasing number of people, connection websites have provided the links they need to form a family.
This family form, known as elective co-parenting, is when two or more people decide to have and raise children together outside of a romantic couple relationship.
Our research group wanted to find out whether psychological outcomes for parents and children in elective co-parenting families differ based on whether or not parents met online.
Our new study, published in Reproductive Biomedicine Online, provides the first evidence of family formation and psychological functioning in elective co-parenting families who initially connected online or through existing networks.
Elective co-parenting is not new – it has a long history within the LGBTQ+ community. What is new is the increase of heterosexual prospective parents and the use of websites – such as Just a baby, Modamily and PollenTree – to find a co-parent. These sites diversify the paths to parenthood, but clinicians, researchers, and policy makers often struggle to keep pace with such innovation.
As discussed in a review of the Channel 4 documentary, Strangers Making Babies (see BioNews 1095), co-parenting has attracted both curiosity and concern; often attracting criticism for non-traditional parenting, as well as raising debates about the ethical and legal ramifications of elective co-parenthood. However, whether these concerns present a challenge for parent and child wellbeing remains to be seen.
Evidence from families co-parenting after divorce suggests that children's wellbeing may be negatively impacted, mainly due to exposure to conflict. However, the outcomes for parents and children in elective co-parenting families, where parents are not, and have never been, in a relationship together have not previously been explored.
Our multi-method research study involved interviews, surveys and observations with 41 heterosexual and LGBTQ+ parents from 23 elective co-parent families with children aged 12 or under in the UK, North America or Europe. The project was designed to address key questions related to the psychological outcomes for parents and children when the parents had met through an online connection website.
Are the parents and children okay?
Parents reported resilience in the face of adversity and low levels of anxiety, depression, and parenting stress. Children's social skills, behavioural and emotional problem scores were in line with population norms and suggest low clinical risk.
In addition, having and raising a child outside of a romantic partnership did not prevent parents from pursuing or enjoying good quality romantic relationships with others, with co-parents who were in relationships reporting high levels of satisfaction. When we compared the data from elective co-parents to those who were co-parenting following divorce, we found that elective co-parents showed higher levels of communication, cooperation and mutual respect.
Our research found that the psychological adjustment of parents and children in elective co-parenting families is similar to the general population, challenging the idea that the traditional family is the optimal structure for raising children.
Do connection sites endanger risks?
We found no evidence for reduced wellbeing, social support, co-parenting or child adjustment for those who met their co-parent via a website compared to those who were co-parenting with someone known to them, such as a friend.
The decision to enter into co-parenting arrangements was not taken lightly. Parents who initially met online took similar amounts of time to discuss their options, plan and consider the practicalities of daily life as those who already knew their co-parent. As one participant noted, 'your communication has to be a lot more mature, so you've got to, even though some [are] uncomfortable topics, you've got to talk about them'.
The tendency to prepare co-parenting agreements, undertake medical screening prior to conception and conceive without clinic involvement was equally likely for people parenting with someone known to them or someone met on a connection website. Interestingly, in both groups, only a minority of parents undertook counselling.
Elective co-parents are intentionally committing to raise a child together outside of the traditional nuclear family model and the current study provides novel evidence that these people are functioning well regardless of how they began.
What about legal risks?
Most parents prepared a co-parenting agreement, downloading these from connection websites, or amending child agreements created in the context of separation or divorce. However, although parents felt these co-parenting agreements developed during pregnancy provided peace of mind, some parents were not aware they would not hold weight in court if future problems arise, as discussed in the session 'All Families Great and Small: Changing Family Forms' at the PET annual conference in 2021 (see BioNews 1126).
When families involved three or more parents, they had to face the decision of who should go on a child's birth certificate – and for some this awareness came quite late after the arrival of their much-wanted child. As it stands, only in British Columbia and Ontario, Canada, and in California, USA are three legal parents allowed on a birth certificate.
What about wider stigma?
Some parents reported feeling invisible in health care and education settings, institutions that are important for children, pointing to broader societal challenges. For example, parents reported not telling their midwife, child's nursery or school staff about their co-parenting for fear of prejudice and discrimination.
Welcoming all prospective parents into ultrasound scans, and regularly updating healthcare and school materials which highlight diverse family forms may be small ways to help parents and children feel more accepted. Given many co-parenting families look like heteronormative families, practitioners supporting (prospective) parents and children should be encouraged to challenge their assumptions about the nature of the relationships between parents. As families continue to evolve, healthcare and educational systems will continue to need to adapt.
There is not 'one' co-parenting family structure, so support will need to be tailored. Our research found elective co-parent families differed in the number, gender identity, sexual orientation, and partner status of parents. Both LGBQT+ and heterosexual elective co-parents made use of connection websites to find a co-parent, suggesting the pathway to parenthood has diversified and it is not the exclusive route of one particular group of parents.
To summarise, overall, our research has found that these 'non-traditional' families are well adjusted, with strong co-parenting dynamics and fulfilling romantic lives elsewhere.
Our findings may alleviate concerns but require replicating, especially given they are based on a cross-sectional study of a small group of parents who voluntarily took part. We would like to follow up these families to examine change over time, as well as understanding children's views of growing up in elective co-parent families.
Some of the issues discussed in this article will be explored at the free-to-attend PET event 'The Fertility Landscape for LGBTQ+ Communities: Barriers and Considerations', taking place online on Wednesday 12 February 2025.
All are welcome to attend. Find out more and register here.
Leave a Reply
You must be logged in to post a comment.