Podcast Review: The Queer Family Podcast – 'We bought sperm four months in'

This episode of the Queer Family Podcast introduces us to Robert, a trans man, and Shannon, a cis woman, who describe themselves as 'regular-degular-schmegular queers', and who bought sperm in order to start a family after four months of dating. As a queer trans man myself, I found myself immediately nodding along to this, indeed, extremely regular lesbian move. (And yes, I did berate myself for thinking of a relationship between a woman and a trans man in that way, but then Shannon herself acknowledged that the whole situation was 'all very lesbian' or indeed 'u-haul' as host Jaimie Kelton put it). 

What might be considered less regular is the fact that Robert originally asked Shannon to platonically co-parent with him before they were a couple. Shannon apparently thought he was 'completely insane' but was 'very gracious about it'! The couple got together during the pandemic and are now married with a two-year-old. The podcast talks through their choice of donor conception, Shannon's pregnancy and fertility struggles, and how they normalise their family structure for their daughter. 

Robert and Shannon recount considering adoption, but they couldn't afford private adoption and had fears of not being picked as non-heterosexual, not-cis, non-Christians. The American context really struck me here, as I'd never considered religion as a factor. 

I really appreciated the couple's frankness when it came to talking about fertility and their bodies. Shannon said she had an emotional attachment to being pregnant – although she also said, while giving birth, that adoption would have been good too! Robert discussed having his lower surgeries and his doctors encouraging him to keep an ovary, both for cardiac health and in case he wanted children one day. He explained that he chose not to, both because of dysphoria and because he had a partner at the time who didn't want children, so keeping an ovary felt almost disrespectful to that choice. He now sees that reasoning as part of an 'immature thought process' but reflected that this isn't something someone would ask of a cis partner. Despite having no regrets, he wanted to discuss this on air as a cautionary or educational message for other trans people 'in the spirit of keeping doors open' – and, as Shannon added, 'in the spirit of cardiac health!'

Given Shannon's willingness to carry a child and Robert's lack of gametes, the couple settled on donor conception. Shannon mentions that they initially thought IUI (intrauterine insemination) would work for them, although they don't explain why it didn't until the end of the podcast, where the science behind their fertility treatment is packed into the final five minutes. Essentially, Shannon has polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) – now known as polyendocrine metabolic ovarian syndrome – and did not conceive through IUI. Instead, they used IVF, which was not easy on her body, but resulted in 33 eggs being retrieved. Shannon described this as the one PCOS superpower – 'the rest of the time it sucks!'. They ultimately ended up with 13 embryos, leaving the possibility of having another child in the future.

They acknowledge they had an advantage as a white couple because there are more white donors available, then talked about choosing their donor because he seemed like a naturally happy person and both parents had struggled with mental health. I found this sentiment lovely in the way it was expressed by Robert: 'We didn't need a genius or an athlete, we just wanted happy.' However, I found it more concerning when host Kelton framed this in terms of choosing a donor in order to weed out undesirable qualities and select preferable ones. That carries a flavour of eugenics for me, although I know that was in no way the intention. 

The show makes a point of saying that queer families have a 'special strong bond' and that biological ties are not the be-all and end-all. Robert spoke about how Shannon included him throughout the process, making it a truly joint effort. This resonates with Kelton too, who recently explained to her eight-year-old that although she was the one who gave birth, both mothers made them: 'Mommy helped make you too'. 

This podcast really cements the idea that it is intentionality, not biology, that makes a family. Robert grew up among queer adults and donor-conceived children and therefore saw this family structure as typical and normal. He and Shannon make an effort to explain to their daughter how she was made. Kelton also stresses the intentionality with which donor-conceived children are brought into the world. They discuss how, the more often you have these conversations, the easier and more organic they become, until there's 'no stigma, no weirdness' – although, of course, each family has to decide how they want to approach the subject.

Robert and Shannon talk about wanting their daughter to know and have familial relationships with her donor siblings, or 'diblings', as Robert calls them, as he has seen happen in communities of lesbian families. However, because they chose a non-ID disclosure donor, they suspect that other families using the same donor may be more interested in privacy, as they've found it hard to locate related children. Perhaps instead they'll have another baby – something they're seriously considering.              

Overall, I found the podcast a bit too sugary sweet (the couple are introduced as having 'fabulous identities', despite describing themselves as 'regular-degular-schmegular queers'). Don't get me wrong, I'm all for positive representation, and I think these stories need to be told. But all the affirmations and assurances felt a bit much. Maybe it's because it's an American podcast and there's a culture clash with my English sensibilities. 

Still, 'you're doing it right' says Kelton, adding: 'This is why queer families are so freaking special – because of how we make these babies, how we raise these babies, how we talk to them about where they come from, and how they were made with so much love and intention'. While I cringe somewhat at how saccharine this all is, I can't deny that it's an important sentiment. On that basis – and how frank and open Robert and Shannon were about their experiences – I'd have to say this episode is worth a listen.