Book Review: The Unfamiliar – A queer motherhood memoir

The Unfamiliar: A Queer Motherhood Memoir
By Kirsty Logan
Published by Virago
ISBN-10: ‎‎0349016585, ISBN-13: 978-0349016580
Buy this book from Amazon UK

In June of this year, I took part in the Rainbow Family Strength Camp organised by Rainbow Babies, a non-governmental organisation dedicated to addressing stress within the LGBTQ+ community and providing support in areas such as, intimacy, fertility, and lesbian parenting in Mainland China. Throughout the enriching five days of the camp, I was immersed in stories of success and setbacks, moments of joy and loss, all revolving around the intricate process of using assisted reproductive technology for pregnancy and childbirth.

Upon receiving Kirsty Logan's latest book, 'The Unfamiliar: A queer motherhood memoir', my mind immediately went to the incredible individuals I had met during the camp. Eager to share this resonant narrative with them, I snapped a photo of the book cover and posted it in our group, extending a recommendation to all. This memoir is a fitting read for queer mothers, whether they are in the planning stages or have already experienced the journey of giving birth through fertility treatment. Additionally, it holds appeal for any reader intrigued by the exploration of this unconventional yet profoundly meaningful family model.

As the title implies, this memoir is penned by a queer mother, employing simple yet vivid language to meticulously capture the challenges, emotions, and triumphs that accompany queer mothers navigating fertility treatment and unconventional family structures. The narrative unfolds entirely in the second person, a stylistic choice explained by the author: 'you're writing a whole book in the second person because you couldn't bring yourself to say "I".'

Through the reading experience, there's a palpable sense of intimacy; this 'you' extends beyond the author, enveloping each reader. Logan fearlessly invites us into her memories, allowing us to share in the spectrum of her emotions, from sadness to joy. Notably, she acknowledges the authenticity of real-life experiences, often surpassing the drama found in fictional plots. The use of the second person as the narrator serves to sidestep the potential unreliability associated with a first-person perspective.

The narrative unfolds across four distinct phases: 'The Planning', 'The Growing', 'The Birth', and 'The Baby'. Over the span of three years, Logan's partner endures three pregnancy losses and an IVF failure, experiences that deeply devastate her. The combination of emotional turmoil and physical strain leaves her unable to go through it again. Consequently, the responsibility to fulfil the dream falls upon the author, referred to as 'you' throughout the narrative. Despite facing repeated challenges, success eventually graces their journey.

The process of pregnancy proves intricate; the hormonal changes, particularly in the secretion of progesterone, introduce a nuanced emotional landscape for the biological mother. Influenced by the past experiences of her partner, the author doubts and in worry and fear repeatedly imagines having to have an abortion. However, all of this came to an end with the arrival of that one day – the day of production. It was a harrowing birth experience, but the successful birth bequeaths the lesbian couple with a cherished treasure, a profound moment in time when the significance of blood seems to diminish, emphasising the creation of their unique and meaningful family.

In the collective consciousness, pregnancy is often linked to traditional, heterosexual family models. Consequently, queer mothers find themselves needing to come out daily, reflecting a broader challenge in how society perceives kinship. Contemporary perspectives on kinship, as articulated in Professor Dame Marilyn Strathern's work, challenge the conventional role of genetics in shaping our understanding of familial connections. Kinship, in today's context, appears more as a cultural construct than a concept derived from the 'natural' world. It's her research in the 1990s laid the foundation for a emerging subfield within anthropology that explores modern reproductive technologies. These investigations paved the path for what is now recognised as the field of new kinship studies.

To reconsider kinship, it might be valuable to view it as a dynamic engagement with the activities of everyday life. Professor Jennifer Mason, with a sustained focus on kinship and various other types of relationships and associations, proposes that 'Kinship is engaged with, defined, known, and expressed,' underlining the active and evolving nature of these relationships. During 21st-century revolutions in family structures, reproductive technologies, and life sciences, it becomes evident that we may need to embrace new, modern forms of kinship. The evolving landscape calls for a re-evaluation of the traditional frameworks and an acknowledgment that kinship is intricately woven into the fabric of our daily lives, actively shaping and reflecting the specificity of familial bonds in an interconnected manner.

Let's revisit our starting point and delve into the essence of 'The Unfamiliar.' As the author articulates, '…that's how your body has been made, how your life has been made. Unfamiliar, as in something you don't recognise. But also, a witch's familiar, a tiny creature that goes on a journey with you, a source of power who you can't communicate with through language. But mostly, a family.'

This transformation in understanding the 'unfamiliar' mirrors the evolving landscape shaped by advancements in reproductive technology and the persistent endeavors of the LGBTQ+ community to forge meaningful kinship networks and independent families. The author's exploration of the term brings forth a nuanced duality: it signifies both the unknown and a fount of strength or familial connection. This dual nature resonates deeply with the transformative and empowering dimensions of queer family-building, challenging established norms and narratives. It symbolises a profound shift in perspective, where the unfamiliar becomes a source of strength, resilience.

Upon reaching the final page and closing the covers, tears welled up in my eyes.

'Look what I made. It took ages, and it hurt, and I love it, and I would do it again, even knowing all this, even knowing everything'.

It's an experience that transcends the pages, resonating long after the book is closed. In short, encourage everyone to read this book!

Buy The Unfamiliar: A Queer Motherhood Memoir from Amazon UK.